Sleeping as Lifestyle

When my husband and I married in 1987 we spent a year in our first apartment with a bed that was too small, so we slept head to foot, foot to head, mainly because Dean’s normal resting position back then was crucifixion style. Since then I think it is fair to say that our marriage has been a journey towards finding the ideal bed. My husband and I are a model couple who does everything perfectly together EXCEPT sleep.

It’s time again for us to buy a new mattress. If I could work it out, I’d spend my whole life in my bedroom, and I’ve always dreamed of having a full room bed like this:

super-bed-I

IMAGE: REDDIT: ROBDOGBIRD

However there are many reasons why the above is impractical for our needs, but I cannot pretend that we aren’t going to do something stupid. When it comes to home furnishing, we always go stupid: We installed a hammock inside our house; we bought an extra large Lovesac (now in the attic wrapped up like a swollen sarcophagus); we have owned a series of unfortunate red sofas . . . This time we have decided that  if we’re going to do something stupid again, we’re going to do the same stupid thing everyone else is doing: buy a hospital bed.

Of course, they don’t call them hospital beds anymore, and the model we are looking at has features you can’t find in your local recovery room, such as heat, vibration, and “sky” modes. Sadly, it does not come with the little button that gives you more morphine or tells the nurse your pan needs emptied.

Why do we want this thing?

Because it might be nice to have a situation after 28 years of not having to compromise.

Because we love reading and watching TV in bed.

Because we need more remote controllers.

Because we snore, and maybe having a tilting bed will stave off our need for matching CPAP machines for another year.

cpapjoe

I guess what I’m saying is, don’t try to stop us. We’ve rationalized the hell out of this poor decision. And the lady at the furniture store is so lonely. She needs us to do this.

So here is a link to a recent WSJ article about the emerging popularity of home hospital beds. I really wished they’d used some beardy millennial as their model in the pic, but I guess I shouldn’t pretend that the in-home adjustable bed skews younger. It’s also not a consideration in this helpful site that rates mattress types for sex. I think this last site is really the reason I wrote this post, that and the fact that my publisher may be looking at my blog today and I don’t want the most recent post to have the word fuck in the title.

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